Using Art to help Navigate Healthy Connection
Our brains are hard-wired to seek out connection, to heal from the power of human interaction. Overtime, however, this basic instinct has been viewed as a weakness - a symptom of "neediness" - when in essence, it is the very thing that gives us strength, provides us with hope and motivates us to grow. In short, it is both necessary and essential, but it must also be healthy. This art activity is a perfect concrete example for individuals to see the how and the why on another level.
The irony is that the pandemic has led some of us back to biology and reminded me of the importance of emotional safety. The brain is designed to work best in a community of people. Our society has taught us to be strong; we need to be alone and independent. This is far from accurate. The book, Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse says it perfectly, “Everyone is a bit scared," said the horse, "but we are less scared together."
We must remind ourselves that there is no manual, life is different for everyone, and everyone is struggling in some way, particularly now more than ever. You have to be your own walking book - open, authentic and flexible. This also means learning to observe others’ feelings and reactions and refusing to take on the guilt that they want to project. The simple response "help me understand" is a good way to redirect projection and remind yourself that you can’t always co- regulate other people the same way you regulate yourself. It’s hard for people to give someone something they are uncomfortable with, or of which they have little knowledge and awareness. People want real people and it is more effective to be imperfect and more organic. Be proud that your values are true and real, and turn any anger you may have into compassion - for yourself and others.
The need for co-regulation never goes away and allows a person to calm and access higher level functioning needed to gain insight and health. We have the choice to watch other’s energy float by or take it on as our own. True growth comes from knowing you don’t have to absorb it. “Observe, but don’t absorb.” Boundaries and a balance of healthy connections are needed now more than ever. The pandemic has us all raw, drained, feeling alone and hypersensitive. Practice modeling healthy connections for your kids by letting them know they can say "no" without giving a reason. Help them create a menu of healthy responses and ways to protect themselves from the constant chatter of our world. Ideas can include allowing alone time, sharing "I’ve had a really hard day", putting your phone on airplane mode, temporarily muting someone on social media who is being unhelpful/hurtful, explaining the ebb and flow of friendships, and giving personal examples from your own life. And, above all, demonstrating the importance of taking care of YOU!!
The impact of social contagion is powerful, and energy is felt on a conscious and subconscious level. It influences our ability to connect and heal or isolate and withdraw. (Perry, P. 33) We need to come together and use this as an opportunity to come back to our core values and the biological connection and community our brains are designed to thrive in. As Bruce Perry says, “a healthy community is a healing community, and a healing community is full of hope because it has seen its own people weather-survive and thrive (Perry, pg. 203)
