Parenting and How and Why it is Changing
The ripple effect of the Pandemic has provided us with an incredible and often unwelcome opportunity to re-examine how we want to parent. The constant changes and short spurts of being forced to slow down, gave us time to reexamine our pace, values, and priorities and the lives that we intentionally are choosing to live. Many adults have grown up with the old school mentality of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and you will be fine. Bravery has been defined by mental toughness and the idea that you can dismiss and override your feelings in an effort to be the best. Parents can often be overheard telling their children , “you're not scared! You are fine. That didn’t hurt and don’t be a baby!” Overtly and covertly dismissing the role and importance that feelings surve in keeping our emotionally safe and physically and mentally healthy. Whatever you do, DON’T express your feelings. This model is dismissive and minimizes the swirling and whirling invisible riptides that reside deep in all of us. Nothing is ever as it appears as smiles and a stoic stance can mask our own unique blueprints of life and the patterns of our central nervous system. Our personal lifetime of unique experiences, patterns of relationships, and trauma—all of which are driving every behavior that attempts to communicate with the world by the behaviors we exhibit on the outside.
The rapidly growing field of neuroscience has also helped provide us with a new lens to view behavior, meaning, parenting and connection. It shows us a magical glimpse into what lies beneath the surface and gives us a springboard to better understand and create happy and healthy kids. Not just mentally healthy, but also physically, because we now know that the mind-body connection is an undeniable and intricate system—backed up by empirically supported data and evidence-based studies and statistics. These strides can allow us to toss aside viewing this connection as ‘out there’ or as ‘hippy parenting’. Once we are able to replace our views with actual science, it allows us to see how the brain and body work in tandem, including our subconscious and automatic reactions and behaviors.
This new lens opens endless possibilities and makes room for the best advice to reduce projecting your past and your own emotions onto your child or children. The advice is simple like most words of wisdom are—parent your child the way you would one of your friends children!! Take the emotions out and you will gain a new world full of perspective and intention. Parenting comes with connection so imagining someone we have a connection with, but with whom we are not overly attached to emotionally is a more realistic stance to attempt to implement.
Myth busting!!! It is your job as a parent to make your kids happy all of the time. NO!!! In fact, it’s an impossible task that would just set them up for a lifetime of disappointment and failure. As we say in our 3rd book, The Feelings of the Invisible Riptide, happiness is just a feeling and like all feelings it too simply comes and goes. When Stella asks Ms. Tina if happiness lasts forever? Tina explains that this wouldn’t be realistic, as all feelings come and go. At first, Stella thinks this is very sad, however she quickly learns that it is simply part of life and what makes the good times more meaningful. Stella also learns that with a positive outlook and realistic expectations she can create more opportunities for happiness to exist, especially by surrounding herself with people who fill her up and accept you for being you. If you have to try to be someone that you’re not, it’s a sign that those are not your people.
The path to parenting is an endless journey unique to each of our children and our own past and our current lens. It’s the hardest and most rewarding job we will ever be given, if we are lucky enough to have them, as fertility issues appear to be becoming more common and more traumatic for women trying to conceive. It’s a job with no comparison and no room for comparison. A perfect parent isn’t real and as long as you stay connected, provide unconditional love, and open communication you will be surprised at how your children will grow. Bumps and setbacks are to be expected and mistakes are part of the learning process. Embrace it and cherish the little moments, as these are the ones your children will never forget. Make family traditions, whether dancing to certain songs, family game nights, or conversation time at dinner. These go a long way and will be passed down to your grandchildren. Connection is key and showing up allows your children to feel seen and heard. Embrace the journey and even the suck! It’s a ride and like feelings, the hard parts come and go and won’t last forever! Surround yourself with parents who lift you up and take an active interest in your children. A village is needed now more than ever and we all have a unique skill set and perspective to offer.
Written By Carron Montgomery, LPC, RPT
The Invisible Riptide, llc
