Lessons learned: Generational wisdom emerging from the bottom up!
Written by Carron Montgomery, LPC, RPT
Passionate Mental Health Clinician, Author, Speaker and Trainer
As a mental health clinician, I am witnessing a genuine openness regarding emotional well-being and an authentic sense of caring and connection from our youth. Ironically, they are teaching us what being attuned and having balance can look like. They know when their friends are in need and know that overworking themselves is not living!
Though they are extremely emotionally intelligent, young people are still struggling now more than ever. Adolescence marks a period filled with tremendous changes, particularly with relationships. During this developmental time period, teens begin to move away from even trusted adults as the sources of wisdom and instead turn to each other for comfort. They have to be in tune with one another because the survival of their generation depends on their ability to detect the unspoken. Tweens and teens are now the ones who are most likely to sense if a friend may be experiencing suicidal ideation or may be depressed and thinking of doing something that could harm themselves or someone else. The parentification of this generation is both a blessing and a curse, as it is too heavy of a load to carry and is incredibly stressful for a growing mind. It is our job to help turn this gift into a beautiful and powerful force to move forward and break down old barriers. This requires a community without judgment working together. You can’t know what you haven’t been taught, but you can seek out information to help you catch up!
Most adolescents approach adults with a lack of trust and apprehension. This has become the new norm for almost all tweens and teens, particularly after so much uncertainty and unpredictability in the world. From the outside looking in, there is no doubt that isolation is occurring, but we can make small changes to regain their trust. As an adult, it is important to be aware that a natural power differential exists between us and younger people, which can be overwhelming and intimidating for them. Overly identifying with your role of authority is a sure fire way to shut down the audience you are trying to reach. Lecturing and passing judgment will only result in a message lost on deaf ears. All humans want to feel heard, even if you don’t agree with them. That’s why it’s so important to go out of your way to validate this age group and lead with mutual respect. They are desperate for adults to just listen, truly listen. When we take the time to sit and wait, we invite a conversation and make real progress together.
Start by checking in with yourself. Are you calm and in a place to regulate your own emotions, or will your child feel your distress on top of their own? Tone, timing and delivery especially matter at this age. Look for signs that they feel emotionally safe and are interested in talking. If they seem ready, stay attuned as you speak and allow them to change the subject if needed. Remember, most conversations don’t happen all at once, and allowing them to feel a sense of control is crucial to gaining their trust.
It is also important to gain a perspective that allows you to see their behaviors often have nothing to do with you. Rather, their attitudes often have more to do with a natural predisposition to move away from adults and more towards peers — it’s a biological need that the brain has relied on for centuries, not a personal rejection. It is crucial that you recognize and honor these needs and the evolutionary power they serve. It also helps to see these behaviors as communication. When a person starts acting differently, there is always a reason. They may not know how to put it into words, which can be confusing for adults and easy to misinterpret as defiance, laziness, or being manipulative.
Even so, it is still vital that we know where they are. Work with them, within their infrastructure, rather than against it. Teens do not want to share their inner world with a person that they view as in a position of power because they fear judgment and criticism. That only makes them more self-conscious as they desperately try to find their place, which automatically makes anything you say magnified in their minds. Teens feel the walls and the silent judgments adults transmit. It is no surprise that when this occurs, they pull away and shut down, which results in creating even bigger walls that are harder to penetrate. Sadly, we have also lost the time for connection as adults due to stress, a lack of community, mistrust, and a global depletion of energy. Simple nuggets of real life wisdom are not being shared to counterbalance the negative impact of social media. As a result, our youth need us now more than ever!
The good news is that even though we as adults are “fully grown,” our brains never stop changing and we can always catch up. As a community, we need to not only educate teachers, but also parents on how to best reach younger people and learn from them as much as they learn from us. Our generation was not taught about the amazing purpose that feelings can serve and how they can help us get our needs met. Books like The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse, Finding Muchness, The Candy Dish, and Tiny Panda and Little Dragon are all amazing places to start. A page a day can help bring this wisdom back and is a non-intimidating way for teachers, parents, and kids to connect.
Art works much in the same way and is an invaluable tool for self-discovery, giving young people a safe way to express themselves to adults and offer you a glimpse into their worlds. Author Andrew Newman has also created an incredible series of books that provide an approachable, fun, empowering, and educational way to connect with your children while also learning about emotions. These books can help equip both kids and adults with the knowledge to speak a shared language on mental health topics. All of his books are phenomenal! The Little Brain People, The Hug Who Got Stuck, and We Are Circle People are just a few of my favorites and can truly be enjoyed by any age.
As a mental health professional, it is a true honor to be invited into one of my client's inner worlds. They provide me with an authentic front row seat to the issues their generation faces, allowing me to genuinely see the real picture and all of the subtle nuances that are often hidden from adults or masked from their peers. Teens are now more attuned to the energy of the world and their own intuition than ever before. Energy and intention can be felt, and this generation feels what is authentic and real more than previous generations. It’s as if they can feel your motives and have adapted to protecting their stories and truths. Their way of being has gifted me with the privilege to serve as a vessel for change and as a storyteller for our youth.
It may sound cliché, but I truly learn more from my young clients in sessions than they ever could from me. This generation embodies what I try to live by and teach my children about how to start a conversation: know your audience. Awareness and perspective are key and require reflection and attention. True power comes from being humble and kind. If you are approachable and open, people are more likely to show you what is on the inside. If we treat young people with the same emotional integrity they display in their own lives and relationships, we will all be mentally healthier inside our relationships and out.
Resources to help parents catch up:
Shows:
Stutz on Netflix
The Just Like You: Anxiety and Depression Project on Amazon Prime
TikTok Documentary
The Social Dilemma
Netflix-From Stress to Happiness
Netflix Episode 1: The Human World Within
Books:
What Happened to You?
Brain Body Parenting
Super Powered
Buddha’s Brain
The Invisible Riptide
From Surviving to Vibing: Filling in the Gaps
The Little Brain People
The Hug Who Got Stuck
Hey Warrior
Dear You, Love From Your Brain
Circle People
The Boy the Mole the Fox and the Horse
Websites:
Conscious Stories
Hey Sigmund
The Invisible Riptide
Raising Good Humans
Institute of child psychology
Apps:
Sanvello
Dali Journal
The Calm App
Headspace
Better Stop Suicide app
Mood Tracker
A Friend Asks app
Podcast on suicide prevention that is a must for all:
Raising Good Humans: Ep 95: Suicide Prevention with Dr. Kelly Posner and Founder—Director of the Columbia Lighthouse Project. An urgent episode empowering all parents, caregivers and practitioners to feel armed with information about suicide prevention with Dr. Kelly Posner talks about suicide prevention.
Articles:
Education ‘A cry for help’: CDC warns of a steep decline in teen mental health. More than 4 in 10 told the health agency they felt ‘persistently sad or hopeless. By Moriah Balingit March 31, 2022 https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2022/03/31/student-mental-health-decline-cdc
How teens are experiencing their version of the “Great Resignation” https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/58972/how-teens-are-experiencing-their-version-of-the-great-resignation
American kids are struggling — and they’re asking adults for help by Petula Dvorak March 31, 2022
https://www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2022/03/31/mental-health-teens-pandemic-burnout/
It’s time to screen all kids for anxiety, the physician’s task for recommends
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/04/17/1093164270/kids-anxiety-screening-uspstf
Children as Young as 8 should be screened for anxiety experts recommend
TikTok Brain Explained: Why some kids seem hooked on social video feeds
Social Media: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/11/facebooks-dangerous-experiment-teen-girls/620767/
Fentanyl invades more illicit pills with deadly consequences
https://www.wsj.com/articles/fentanyl-invades-more-illicit-pills-with-deadly-consequences-1163965060
